the clouds gathered;
shades of grey started to colour the skies;
tiny droplets started falling from the overcast skies;
slowly the tiny droplets gained more weight;
and it got heavier;
here comes the much long awaited rain.





someone asked me, "are you happy?"
i said, "yes, but there are lots to work on."

indeed being in a new relationship with another new person, there are new things and different issues to work on. and i'm still setting up the foundation on this architecture of mine. it seems to be the most challenging one i ever had, and i am getting a little weary. i am not sure if my patience or tolerance will increase for the better or i did just lose it, and walk out of it.

'opposite attracts; like repels.'

well not all the time this basic physics theory works on human characteristics. some opposites just cannot stand each other, due to differences in life. while some likes work just fine with each other. i say, opposite do attracts if each could compromise and realise that each other could compliment and make up for each other shortcomings and strengths. this would just be my dream architecture.





it was indeed an experience working with kids. and the Repus Sidk programme was rather interesting, though not all of them benefited from it. kids in this era, definitely are alot blessed with a fortunate life. parents are so willing to spend that amount of money for their children just to go through the programme. it was nice to see those kids whom truly benefited from it went up on stage to give thanks.

being such an impatient person that i am, i truly find it difficult to communicate with kids. gee, i really gonna have a hard time dealing with my own kids. now i know why those parents are always shouting at their children, all because children can't listen to simple things.

patience is all i need.
tolerance is needed to be put in place.
the task is difficult;
yet i take the challenge.
i need to stretch myself more.
this is not my limit.

rest.





i don't feel connected to you.
i can't feel the emotions.
i am drifting away from you.
i am losing it.
i am numb.





hatred paralyzes life;
love releases it.
hatred confuses life;
love harmonizes it.
hatred darkens life;
love illumines it.

martin luther king, jr. (1929 - 1968)





for as far as she can remember in the days of her childhood, her parents would take both her elder brother and her out on weekends. the usual weekend outing would be this shopping centre called Parkway Parade. the exterior of this building had a man-made waterfall and fountain area, and there were blue dolphins hear the seating area.

on her birthdays in kindergarten, her mother would bought cakes to distribute to her fellow classmates. back at home, there was a spread of delicious dishes prepared to celebrate her birthday. after the sumptuous meal, it was cake cutting and pictures were taken for remembrance.

she also remembered walking to the block 85 wet market near her home with her family for dinner at the hawker centre. she enjoyed eating the minced pork noodle sold by the old lady. sometime after dinner, the family might walked over to the grandmother's home to pay her a visit.

as a girl she does not have many playmates to play with. hence most of the time, the only playmate she ever had was herself; be it at playing barbie dolls, play-doh or any other role playing game, it was just she and herself. hence as a kid she was never outspoken, in fact she was extremely shy. she is a little girl in her own oyster shell.

she could remember her father once asked her, who would she preferred to be with, father or mother. as a young child , such a question was rather daunting to her; why must she choose between her parents, she thought. what followed on was her parents quarelling. then when they moved to the new flat, her parents have slept in seprate rooms from then onwards.

all her childhood, she always hoped that somehow, someday her parents would reconciled. but this was her wishful thinking. knowing that it would not happened, yet she would not let this go. though it is still as painful holding on, she stubbornly cling on. this have proven too difficult for her to just let this burden go.

this is her story.





i have decided to take up the job as a coach with GTLKA for their malaysia camp, Repus Sdik. i have been going through intensive training for the last two days and today will be the last of the 3 days. this will be a challenging job for myself; for a start i'm really bad with kids, lest handling them. not that i don't like them, just lack the patience. anyway see how it goes for the next entire week.





you're the last person whom i thought would have hurt me;
someone who would not have betrayed my trust;
someone whom i have my faith set on.
but it all turned out differently, just not what i have expected.

whatever had happened definitely made me changed my perspectives on you, on us.
i'm not sure if i could ever trust you again.
and i don't know what can be done to trust you again.
i gave you trust but you took it and betrayed it.
you turned on me;
while i set my sight on you.

i am hurt;
i feel betrayed;
i am upset;
the void is there.

you said that the decision lies in me;
i gave you my answer;
but you wanted another chance;
this chance will be yours;

however i feel that we are bridging apart;
the moat is built;
slowly water is filled in it.

you made feel like a complete fool.
seems to me like all my efforts are being thrown out.
whatever happened to the care, concern and love?
didn't i do enough to show how much i actually did...?

i'm tired now.
i gave my best to you;
but you took it as it is.

now you stabbed right into my fragile heart;
i'm hurt;
bleeding right from within.
allow me to lay here;
while i bleed myself away.

i love you still anyway.
though i'm not sure whether time could heal.
but it's our deal now.





i'm in a daze.
i don't need the sunshine.
i don't want to be here.
i don't want anymore promises.
i'm lost.
i'm broken.





don't you dare say i don't share about my innermost feelings;
don't you dare say i don't speak much;
i did, but was being turned away.
your actions, damned right again it's your actions.

am i not important at all?
or am i just blabbering words away from my mouth?
or is it the things i say are of not much importance?

whatever is it, stop hurting me.
cos it's not turning out good.

shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up now.





have i been changing or have i changed? or i never have changed?

it seems like i feel alot at ease when i'm out alone. i can walk anywhere and enter any shop, without being ask where is my next destination. i simply detest it when someone asks me where i'm heading next because i enjoy walking about anywhere, especially when i'm in the mood to go town. and it's alot better when i'm alone, because i don't have to take into consideration whether the person is bored or not interested or whatever it is.

seems like my hormones are raging all over biologically, because it seems like i'm having quite a record of mood swings these days. at times i questioned myself, 'what on earth is wrong?' shrugs, beats me. anyway please bear with me while i go figure it out.

reasons that i could conjure up are:
- PMS.
- i'm not happy.
- the humidity is killing me.

in the meantime, allow my unpredictable hormones to rage.





being in this modern society, and with its money driven people, inevitably many have fallen into the paths of 'money makes the world go round' or 'money equals happiness'. is this society rotting to its core of greed?

some people can just live happily with just enough to lead in their daily lives, while others just wants to strive for more, as more is better than less. are we all striving so much for the so-called 'better life' that we forget what all happiness is about? or does 'happiness' able to co-exists with greed? or greed can bring about happiness?

a friend once told me, "money is only a piece of paper; only when its being used to purchase an item or being used in some form only then that piece of paper is worth its value; otherwise its just another picture printed piece of paper."