i need to be away.
away from this house.
away.

i need a good holiday,
i need a job.

i can't tolerate a nagging mother.
i can't communicate with a father whom i can't respect.

i feel like strangling the dog.

i'm going to a country which i dislike for a 2 week long holiday. *smirk* how can it be? this is all wrong.

i hate being told to do things, hence i hate being in this house.
my mom always said, "why are you so different when you are in Perth?"
of course, it's different having my own room in Perth. here, whenever i cleaned up the room, it gets messy all over again by her. i don't have that amount of energy to keep it up. i missed having a room of my own.

i like to do things based on my leisure time. i dislike being told to do this and that around the house. i hate this house.

i don't want to be here.






whatever happened to being happy?
whatever happened to the beautifully painted picture?
whatever happened to the plans which i planned?
whatever happened to what is happening?

i wished for an utopia.





somehow as the days proceed on, my mind is having an internal conflict. i have questioned myself many times on "us".

- have we started too soon? "it's not a matter of time, i follow how i feel. i feel it's right than i'll go ahead."
- why don't i feel 'special'? "but you're special."

my mind is in a total perplexity. do you know that there are several times that i really need you to be just here to listen? but most of the time, you were washed out from work. and i couldn't bear to make you stay up any longer to listen to me, even i did you weren't here listening to what i have to say. though i feel upset about it, but what else can i do? telling you wouldn't solve the issue, cos i know even though you would have tried to stay awake, you'll end up not listening anyway. i'm sad that you're not here. maybe what you have painted in the perfect picture ain't up on the wall for me to view yet. thus i'm always longing for that picture, but what hangs on the wall is a disappointment. i'm sad and disappointed. or am i not being understanding enough towards you? should i hang in longer to see how it goes? i feel like giving up, but i'm not happy just leaving without accepting the challenge of having someone different in my life compare to the previous ones.

sigh.






special...
i'm rather bothered by how he made me feels, it seems like to me that i'm not someone special. i have not felt like this in ages, but this relationship with him, made me realised some things about myself too. like how i'm seeking attention for my needs, wants and feelings. though he assured me that i am special to him. in my world, action speaks louder than words. i ain't a very outspoken or verbal person, hence i tend to have more actions and more unspoken words. this is also why i tend to keep alot to myself, and at times i have so much to bear it's unbearable. my best girlfriends who know me for many years, they too, find it difficult to come into my world.

another thought that came to me was what he said to me yesterday, "in some sense, after all the failed relationships, i'm sort of protecting myself." it set me thinking, probably i should too, start to build a wall of defence for my own sake too.

on pondering thoughts...
i have also concluded i'm feeling this manner, might be because i have read too much about all his past relationships stories. it is because i read about what them, it made me realised that this relationship is different from those i have read about. it made me feel rather uncomfortable after reading about it, but yet being a curious person i choose to read on. i'm raging a jealousy strike! am i not?

reminder:
i reckon i should learn to relax and take control of my own emotions. i shouldn't allow emotions to get the better of me.
starts building a moat surrounding my world...






1. make quality time for each other. take a romantic holiday together every now and then.
2. be honest with your partner. communicate your needs, wants and feelings.
3. respect one another.
4. accept and appreciate. pay attention to the positive things your partner says or does instead of harping on his/her bad traits.
5. share enjoyable actitivities together as this helps to strengthen your relationship.
6. give each other the space to do your own thing.
7. support one another's goals and achievements.
8. learn to compromise with each other. think in terms of "us" instead of "me".
9. try not to bring up the past. instead, learn from experience and concentrate
on improving the future.
10. be positive. even couples in the best marriages experience conflict. don't give up and continue working on your relationship.






it's been 25 days, since i'm back home. somehow this time round when i'm back home, i don't feel as glad to be back here. my very last semester was the longest time i spent away from home, i reckon it was about 5 months i spent in perth. my last semester in university life was the best i had so far in my two years. i made alot more friends and got to know more people. is it that when one is about to have the best and it had to end? good things in life don't last these days? i wonder. but i miss the place and people awfully much. still remembering the day, when uncle harrold and aunty georgina drove me to the airport... i was looking out of the window, trying to have a good look at the place i called home for the past two years. the feeling of leaving, reminded me of the very first time i left here for perth. simply sad.

what i missed...
i missed having a room, i called my own.
i missed the privacy in my life.
i missed the freedom.
i missed the boys in the house.
i missed my lifestyle.

sigh.

i really dislike being home, cos it's just a house without the warmth of a home. a matter of fact, which i can't change either. hence, i chose to go overseas to study was to get away from here. indeed i did for a span of two years. time sure go by faster than it seems... i still remembered the very first semester, the worst time of my student life. i wanted to go home badly, but i had to hold on and finished what i chose as my decision. but when it was time to know that time had drawn closer to the end of my university life, i wanted time to go slower. the contrary of life.